And Then Madonna Talks About the Coronavirus from Her Bathtub

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I don’t know if we’re keeping track of the silliest coronavirus takes, but I’d like to nominate Madonna for bat soup dipped in platinum. Yes, she who may be best known for a cone bra has decided you need her opinion on the WuHuFlu. She isn’t using her time in self-isolation to consider her life choices. No, she’s decided to share with you how much she doesn’t actually know about COVID-19. But unlike the rest of us, Madonna is lecturing from her bathtub. While nekked. It’s how you know a feminist is serious, don’t you know. Why make a point when you can make a point wearing nothing, with one’s chest flaps floating just beyond the river bend?

Here I thought the biggest gap in class was if one could afford a tub which allowed them to submerge their bewbs and knees at the same time. It looks like if Madge were to lay back and enjoy the rose-petaled Evian, she’d splash the water overboard. Surely you’re struggling with the same bath time choices.

Ad hominem suggestions aside, Madonna isn’t helping calm the COVID-19 panic by raping our eyes. I know, I know. I made it worse by amplifying the ocular assault, placing it before you. But Madonna waxing weird about the Kung-Flu is like watching the tone-deaf audition on American Idol: so bad you have to see it. Misery loves company, and if you’re social distancing, you needed this to bond with me. From the trenches we rise, America.

Unlike what you may hear from mainstream media, politicians and now Slippy Tits here, the Wuhan largely affects The Olds. Not those who are “getting up there” but those who are way up there. Kids, teens, young adults, young adults who refuse to be adults, adults who wish they were still young, the middle aged who wonder where all the time went, people finally getting close to retirement, and the retired are not in the at risk groups. The at risk groups are grand pappy and ma, in addition to the health compromised. Who, by the way, are always at risk by being health compromised. Which is why they should quarantine themselves and the rest of us should maybe calm our flapping mammaries a second before tanking our economy and way of life by shutting down the entire globe. Before you scream at me for what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person I am for not jumping aboard the crazy train CORONAPANIC, ask yourself what the fatality was in 2019 for the flu. There’s a good chance you don’t know it because few have told you. But the facts are out there if you want to find them all by yourself. That’s not meant to be purposefully condescending, just patronizing enough to get you to ask some questions and get some answers. It’s tough love via Courtneyscoffs. What, you think I only had opinions on the naked crazy in the tub?

Related: Dr. Drew Doubles Down on Blaming Media for the Wuhan Virus Panic [VIDEO]

I do think Madonna is right about one thing: how people are “together” through this. What I’ve observed is how desperate people are to be a part of something larger than them together and the corona panic has provided. Are you partaking in the “social distancing” and “curve flattening” with your fellow humans and feeling connected from it, regardless of that which divided you previously? Does staying at home and doing nothing make you feel like you’re doing something? Are you deriving positive vibes from all this that introverts have held dear their whole lives? Hmm.

As for me, I say make critical thinking a thing and spread it like a bad cough.

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